Monthly Archives: October 2014

Top Reasons I Should Probably Get New Glasses

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! I DIE!

She's a Maineiac

dog-w-glasses

  • Reached down to pick up a knot of black thread on the floor only to realize it was a spider.
  • While reading books to my seven year old at bedtime, I either mumble ‘blah blah blah’ or make up the story as I go along.
    “And so the three Bears came home and…blah blah blah…kicked Goldilock’s sorry ass out of the hizzle for good. The End.”
  • Tried to kiss my husband and ended up trying to make out with his nose.
  • Returned home from the playground with the wrong kid. And a very tiny old man.
  • For months thought I was watching the critically-acclaimed Netflix series:  A Testes’ Development
    arrested-development_large_verge_medium_landscape
  • My new look? Unibrow.
  • I can read a book only if I squint hard in bright light and if someone holds it up for me while they’re standing in Texas.
  • Mistook the microwavable cardboard sleeve for the actual Hot Pocket. Knew something was up when it tasted good.
    ku-xlarge
  • Had a…

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To Nap, Perchance to Dream of Eating Popcorn with Eminem

She's a Maineiac

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Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

-Charles Schulz

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I usually take a two-hour nap, from one to four.

-Yogi Berra

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Don’t bother me, Imma take a nap now.

-She’s a Maineiac

Let’s face it, life is full of stress. There are very few moments in the average day when you can contentedly sit back and say, “Yeah, this is the stuff. Life can’t get much better than this. I’m happy. I’m good.”

Except for the rare time when the planets align and the thought hits: You could be taking a nap right now. After all, no one’s around. It’s quiet. You have no place to be. And your favorite blankie is fresh out of the dryer all steamy-hot goodness, just begging to be snuggled with during a restorative afternoon siesta.

Good satisfying naps are precious, they need to be savored. But the best naps are elusive because they easily throw your body’s inner clock for…

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More Proof Celebrities Aren’t Like the Rest of Us

She's a Maineiac

photo: Getty Images photo: Getty Images

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to “consciously uncouple” after 10 years of habitual coupling. Naturally, they’ve received a lot of flak concerning the hoity-toity New Age phrase they used to describe their divorce.

Personally, I totally dig the words they chose. It means they’re taking the more positive route, keeping things amicable.  It almost makes something that can be utterly devastating seem so….harmless, soft and fuzzy.

So I’ve decided to rename some things in my life:

Conscious Uncoupling = divorce

Unconscious Coupling = marriage

Cosmic Molecular Aligning = falling in love

Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = sex

Regrettable Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = one night stand

Regrettable Noxious Fumes Releasing = farting

Perpetual Oxygen/Carbon Dioxide Gas Exchanging = living

Life Form Liberating = childbirth

Earth Plane Entity Separating = death

Soul Modifying = death

Unconscious Unliving = death

Involuntary Career Exterminating = unemployment

Monetary Funds Relieving = paying bills

Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets

Voluntary…

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Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!

definitely; it the way to go……don’t you think.

She's a Maineiac

Hey kids! Want to become a blogger? It’s easy! Just do the following:

  1. Roll your eyes when blogger friend suggests you start a blog.
  2. Start blog.
  3. Write first post. Make sure it’s short and stupid because you’re certain no one will ever read it.
  4. Get two followers. Ego instantly inflates while at the same time you’re baffled someone willingly wants to read your writing.
  5. Write second post and this time make it way too long but still very stupid.
  6. No new followers. Tell yourself you don’t care. You’re writing for you, not them.
  7. Write third post, mention the Kardashians and add fun colorful images.
  8. Get first comment.
  9. Become obsessed with blogging.
  10. Write posts every other day.
  11. On the days you don’t write posts, think about brilliant ideas for posts.
  12. Think about dumb ideas for posts.
  13. Realize you have no way of differentiating what will be considered dumb or brilliant.
  14. Keep at least…

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When God’s Your Facebook Friend

hahahah!

She's a Maineiac

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[It’s early morning. I’m folding a mountain of laundry. A bolt of lightning cracks overhead and a blinding light fills the room. I drop my husband’s underwear to the floor, shield my eyes and squint at the ceiling.]

Me: What the…?

God: [voice booms] IT IS I!

Me: God? Is that You?

God: [yells] YES! OF COURSE IT’S ME! [mutters] Didn’t I just say that?

Me: Wow, oh wow! You finally show up! I have so much to ask you! Let’s start with the wars and the poverty and the sick and the dying and the pain and the suffering and the–

God: I know, right?

Me: So will humans ever learn to choose love over fear, compassion over hate?

God: Tsk-tsk. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. That shirt doesn’t go with those pants, dear child.

Me: Huh?

God: And your makeup! Please! The color is all wrong! [sighs] Atrocious. Have you not seen my recent Pinterest featuring Rihanna’s…

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